Happy Birthing day today me.
8 years ago today I became a mom. I gave birth to my beautiful son, I heard him cry before I saw his face and I remember trying to etch that sound in my brain. I remember thinking I ever want to forget this sound. They placed him in my arms and life has never quite been the same.
I would like to say I can’t remember the struggle that my journey to motherhood was, but I can actually take myself back to that place very easily. When I was diagnosed at 14 with bone cancer no one stopped to ask the effects the Chemo, meds, scans, x-rays would have on my reproductive system, especially as I had just gone through puberty. Of course no on asked, we were so focused on just getting me through cancer. We focused on the now, with my future so uncertain the priority was making sure I even had a future. It wasn’t until the dust settled, that I was in remission that I started talking to other childhood cancer survivors. It was then that I found out that some had taken steps regarding their fertility. I always knew I had wanted to be a mom and the realization that it might look different for me took some time to process.
Once I hit my early 20’s I started researching more. I asked more questions at my follow up appointments. What I was told over and over was that while no one could say for sure what the side effects the chemo had, that I was at risk for earlier menopause and if I wanted babies it would be a good idea to start before I was in my 30’s, that when I did start trying to only try for 6 months before seeking fertility help rather than a year. I never imagined myself as someones wife, but I could always imagine myself as someone’s mom. So there I was, single, working, living on my own and saving up. I made a plan. I was going to save all that I could so that if I wasn’t with someone I had a future with at 28 I would become a single mom by choice. I was going to make motherhood happen for me.
A few years later I met the father of my children. I was up front and honest with him. That whether I could have kids at all was a big unknown, but no matter what I was going to be a mother. After we got married, once we were ready to start trying I lost myself. I read books and learned how to chart my cycles. I got up the same time every day and took my temperature. I analyzed and over overanalyzed every possible sign that I might be pregnant. When my cycle weren’t regular I started seeing an acupuncturist. Every month I sat and cried. Every negative pregnancy test I tried my best to hold it together. I got closer and closer to the 6 month timeframe my Doctors had given me. Finally the time had come to go to that fertility appointment. Before it happened I woke up one morning and instead of my period I saw 2 pink lines. I couldn’t believe it and promptly took a digital. the magic word popped up “Pregnant.” It was December and all I could think was this was the best Christmas Present ever. I bought a sleeper and an ornament for expectant parents. I envisioned what it would be like to be pregnant in the spring and have a summer baby. It’s amazing how quick a dream can form and seem like reality. I spent a couple weeks in a state of total bliss, until I woke up one morning to cramps and blood, Too much blood. I called in sick to work and went straight to my Dr’s office. Bloodwork was done and I went home to wait. My best friend came over to keep me company, we watch TV, played games and she hugged me when I got the phone call that crumbled me. I spent Christmas Eve that year having my empty uterus looked to make sure every thing had been cleaned out. I grieved for longer than I had even been pregnant for. Finally I started making plans, I made a list of all the things I wanted to do before having a baby. I was going to live my life and see what happened next. What happened was 2 weeks before my trip to Vegas I found I was pregnant. I asked for bloodwork to ensure my hormones levels were normal and rising (they were) I was actually happy to get my firs bout of morning sickness. I loved every single milestone and was so happy to be the cranky pregnant lady. My pregnancy wasn’t an easy one, no one really knew how things would go with my leg. I started having bad back and pelvic pain fairly early on and at 32 weeks my prosthetic didn’t fit. If I had known how hard my pregnancy would be I still would have done it, over and over (and I did do it 2 more times!). I always say I didn’t fight so hard for my life to not truly live it. Becoming a mom is hands down the most wonderful thing I have done with my life.